If you replace “backdrop” with “Brogue Kick” that is the exact end of this match. And since Scott Hall hasn’t become a psychic detective to the best of my knowledge, (mental note: pitch that idea to USA,) this match was already over before it ever began.

I don’t blame them for trying something to try to spice up a meaningless feud on a summer pay per view that revolves around gimmick matches, but fucking hell, guys. The Bread Eating Deathmatch was right there in front of your faces.

31 out of 100

Cewsh: We go backstage and find AJ on the phone with the injured Dolph Ziggler, reminding us that he exists and is still kind of important. AJ and Kaitlyn were supposed to have a title match on this show, but it got bumped, so this is another segment in the longest feud in wrestling history to contain no built to matches. Kaitlyn comes wandering up and starts insulting AJ and her boyfriend, Dolph, and I think it’s important to remember that Kaitlyn is the babyface here.

So while AJ and Dolph are booed by the fans, this is still a woman talking on the phone to her injured boyfriend, who is now being interrupted and insulted for no real reason. Kaitlyn insults AJ a bunch more and then walks off, but when she hears AJ say “Pig” under her breath, Kaitlyn abruptly attacks AJ and starts beating the shit out of her.

Babyfaces these days are really fucking strange. The John Cenas, Sheamuses and now Kaitlyns of the world are apparently told to just rattle off endless insults towards anyone they don’t like, and then if that person says anything in return, they beat the fuck out of them. I haven’t checked the dictionary lately, but I’m pretty sure that’s a solid definition of what a bully is. I really would like to know who it is in the writer’s room who got big laughs shoving nerds heads in the toilet in high school, and is sure that it will transfer to huge pops on WWE television. The reality is that it doesn’t work, and if they’re trying to ape Steve Austin and the Rock, they’re showing a complete misunderstanding of what made that whole thing work.

Also, I don’t think AJ ever hung up the phone, so Dolph heard the whole thing. He’s probably at home crying right now, YOU MONSTERS.

Cewsh: Blah, blah, blah, Mexicans are bad, blah, blah, blah all humans have rights, blah, blah, blah, Jack Swagger is awful, blah, blah, blah, Del Rio and Ricardo are adorable, blah, blah, blah, Ziggler got injured, blah, blah, blah, this match is for the number one contendership.

In talking about this match i’m going to skip straight to the finish, because if there’s a single human being who is drawing air on this planet who gives a single shit about the 85th incarnation of this match being lumped in with the dullest gimmick match in WWE, then I would be more than happy to buy them a Choco Taco and discuss it with them at length. But since I don’t see that mysterious individual coming forward any time soon, let’s just fast forward to the bit that counts.

So this is an I Quit match, which is where people do rest holds to each other while a referee who is drunk on the opportunity to have some promo time sticks a mic in their faces like he’s a neglected part of a gangbang.

The idea is to make your opponent say, “I Quit,” but since they both have managers, it’s also a long accepted sporting tradition that either of their managers can throw in the towel to stop the match. Towards the end, as Del Rio finds himself trapped in Jack Swagger’s anklelock, Ricardo grabs the towel and begins to agonize over what to do, as Del Rio begs him not to throw it. There’s a moment of real emotion there, as Ricardo has to judge whether or not he can live with the consequences if he doesn’t throw the towel in and his best friend and boss is hurt badly. He decides to let Del Rio fight to the last, and Del Rio gets fired up and starts struggling to escape. But before he can, Zeb Coulter runs over, grabs the towel out of Ricardo’s hand and throws it into the ring. Naturally, the referee, who just saw Ricardo holding the towel, thinks that Ricardo has submitted on behalf of his boss, and he calls the match for Swagger. Swagger and Coulter hightail it back for the locker room as their music plays, having gotten away with a crooked deed.

Now, in every other wrestling match that has ever taken place, that’s the end of it. The ref might find out the error of his ways and book a match between the two to settle it the next night, but no about of peer suggestion or wrestler complaint ever seems to change a ref’s mind from the decision he has made in the moment.

BUT WAIT.

For the first time in wrestling history, the referee stops, listens to his peers and to the babyface manager, and begins to doubt himself. After all, he’d hate to look like a fool on live pay per view. So he walks over to the timekeeper’s desk and, in a moment of unheard of clarity of thought, ASKS THEM TO SHOW HIM THE REPLAY ON A MONITOR.

Now bear in mind, this is a company that so monitor intensive that when people take a shit, they must have to wipe with LED paper. And many of those monitors, INCLUDING THE GIANT ONE IN SIGHT AT ALL TIMES, are constantly showing replays of the action. And yet, this glorious man is the first to stand up and say, “Wait a second, maybe I can use that to stop the gigantic amount of cheating that goes on around here.” He sees the replay, restarts the match, Del Rio wins, and all is well with the world.

Seriously, we need a statue of that guy to be put up in the referee hall of fame. First Ref Who Ever Remembered He Was On Camera. Brilliant.

65 out of 100

Cewsh: I don’t think he is able to pronounce the letter “t” without unhinging his jaw. He should get that looked at.

Cewsh: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiield are the chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaampions, my friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiend DA DA DA. And theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey’ll keep on fighting, ’til the eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend DA DA DA. The Shield are the champions, the Shield are the champions. Nooooooooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime for looooooooooosers, cause Shield are the chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaampions. OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOORLD.

If you couldn’t tell by that excellent singing performance, the Shield win this great, hard fought match and become the new WWE Tag Team Champions here. There’s isn’t a ton to say about the match itself, beyond the fact that is was entertaining, made everyone look good, and that a knee drop/Burning Hammer finishing move is about as boss as it is possible to get before accidentally becoming emperor.

The real story here is that now The Shield all wear gold, and can finally put to risk our fears that WWE would just lose interest in them and send them out the way of the Nexus. They’re still making their way up, but have become such significant fixtures on the shows, and in so many varied ways, that I think the best may still be yet to come. Since they haven’t had a bad match of any sort yet, I’m on that bandwagon from here to the promised land.

78 out of 100

Cewsh: zzzZzzzzzzZZZzzZZzZZzZZzZzZzzzZZzzZZzzZzzzZzZzz

Cewsh Reviews Producers: Um, can somebody wake Cewsh up? He’s supposed to be reviewing this match between Randy Orton and the Big Show.

Cewsh Reviews Interns: He said that he didn’t care and threw an empty bottle of rum at us!

Cewsh: zzzZzzzZzz…no Rhino, I don’t want to wear the butter bikini…zzZzzZzzzzzzZZZZZzz

CR Producers: Well shit, what are we going to do now? This match is clearly far too boring for any human being to actually pay attention to. Wait, what’s that that Orton is doing? Is he, HE’S DOING THE PUNT. WAKE UP CEWSH, WE ARE AT DEFCOM 6 FOR A POSSIBLE RANDY ORTON HEEL TURN.

Cewsh: ZzZZzzz…huh wha? What is going HOLY SHIT RANDY ORTON IS DOING THE PUNT YES! HE BASHED BIG SHOW’S SKULL IN AND WON THE MATCH AND YES THAT IS SO GREAT AND REFRESHING.

Whew, I’m so glad I stayed conscious through this whole match so I could see that in context.

CR Producers: We don’t get paid enough for this.

Cewsh: Nobody does.

The thing about this match is that it is hard to gauge it’s value in a vacuum. As a match unto itself, it was a dull slog along the same lines as other Orton and Show matches when they’re just killing time. Both of them are guys who can be incredible when given something to work with, but this is just filler on a B card and they both know it. BUT, if this is the beginnings of an eventual Randy Orton heel turn, then I will look back on this match fondly in the future as the first real part of an angle that made me a very, very, very happy man. So time will tell. But at this point, the match isn’t getting any extra credit.

70 out of 100

Cewsh: This is one of those backstories that is going to look a lot better on paper than it did in real life. In real life, the feud has been underwhelming and undersold, and hasn’t elicited a ton of interest from the internet or from live audiences. But let’s see how it looks written down.

Let me take you back to October of last year. CM Punk was riding high as WWE Champion, and had successfully warded off John Cena’s attempt to win the title and get back to the top of the mountain at Night of Champions. Then Cena found himself injured, and unable to get his next shot at the title, leaving CM Punk feeling like he was invincible. That is, until Ryback arrived. Ryback had spent the summer violently demolishing everything in his path, and when Punk started bullying people just because he could, he started to find Ryback around every corner. Watching him. Stopping him. Punk laughed it off and dodged Ryback whenever possible, and continued to antagonize John Cena, not knowing that this was the worst thing he could have possibly done. John Cena, at the end of his rope with Punk and feeling benevolent, gave his title shot to Ryback so that he could see Punk suffer. At the Hell in a Cell PPV, Ryback wasted CM Punk, but Punk was able to escape with his title. At Survivor Series the same thing happened, as Punk escaped both Ryback and Cena. Now, the important thing about this is that throughout this period, Ryback and John Cena establish a kind of competitive mutual respect that is important to main event babyfaces of this caliber.

Also during this time, a force appeared on the scene that we are now oh so familiar with. The Shield wrecked havoc on the shows, attacked anyone and everyone that they wanted to. Ryback was one of their primary targets early on, and he banded together with Team Hell No against them at TLC, only to see his teammates ultimately let him down, saddling him with the first clean loss of his career. Then, at the Royal Rumble, it was Ryback’s time to shine, as he proved himself a near untouchable force of nature. Right up until John Cena eliminated him to win the Rumble. But Ryback shook it off. Losses do happen, and Cena had his respect. But a fuse had bit lit. In the weeks that followed, Cena and Ryback together declared war on the Shield, fighting them wherever they could and challenging them to a match at Elimination Chamber, along with their partner, Sheamus. Ryback found himself alone and on the wrong side of Shield beatings with growing frequency, but with his two incredible partners with him, finally he’d have his revenge on the stable that had destroyed his momentum and championship aspirations for months.

But he didn’t.

At Elimination Chamber, John Cena lost the match for his team, the victim of a Roman Reigns spear. And yet again, Ryback found himself humiliated due to circumstances beyond his control, and once again, John Cena was at the center of it. As we moved on towards Wrestlemania, Ryback found himself in a feud with Mark Henry, while Cena went on to face the Rock in one of the biggest matches in WWE history. And while Cena defeated the Rock in historic fashion, and once again became the WWE Champion and the center of attention, Ryback lost to Mark Henry in the undercard, the victim of a fluke accident, which marked his 6th PPV loss in a row. And then Ryback snapped.

After months of seeing his way to the top blocked by a man who he respected, but who never seemed to be there when Ryback was getting kicked around, and after months and misfortune and missed opportunities, Ryback had had enough. As Mark Henry and John Cena had a match on Raw, Ryback came down and destroyed Henry, giving full vent to his frustration and fury. Cena looked so thankful for the assist, as the man he had helped to main event status helped him out of a rough situation. But then Ryback turned around, and the crowd went wild. There was something different in his eyes now. Something cold. He helped Cena to his feet, and then obliterated him with a Shellshock to the wild cheers of the crowd.

The next week, Ryback cut a backstage promo, something very different for him. And he had a lot to say.

John Cena, for his part, was offended that this guy he had helped had suddenly decided that he had to a right to some grievance against him. After all, weren’t they striving for the same goals? He dismissed Ryback as being jealous, but Ryback’s rage didn’t subside. He got his title match for Extreme Rules, and he promised that he would make John Cena pay for ever standing in his way.

See, wasn’t that way cooler on paper?

For a match of this sort, there aren’t a lot of options for how it can go. With all the losses he’s taken lately, this match HAS TO make Ryback come across like a serious threat. That means that Cena is in full on sell mode throughout the whole thing, which, not coincidentally, is the case in most of the great matches that he’s been a part of. The funny thing is that, with all the knocks on Cena for no selling, you would think that he’s not good at it, when he’s actually very good at sympathetic selling and making his opponent look dangerous. His issue is that he STOPS selling abruptly during comebacks, and never gives you the sense that he has sustained any lasting damage. But that’s the John Cena narrative. Cena is beatable, if you stay on him and land a few big moves in a row. But you can’t beat John Cena with a prolonged beating, because no matter what, he’ll always have more in the tank. Strange as it may seem, viewing his matches this way, actually contributes a lot to them.

This match is very similar, as Ryback utterly dominates the beginning of the match, only for Cena to just keep coming back again and again. Eventually, they head out of the ring for some good time hardcore style fun, including Ryback ripping a hockey door out of a wall and throwing it at Cena, (good,) and Cena using a fire extinguisher to confuse Ryback, (not good.) At the end, they find themselves on the stage, and Cena tries to give Ryback the Attitude Adjustment to the floor, only to have it reversed on him, leading to Ryback giving him the mother of all spinebusters through the set itself, showering them both in sparks and “OOOHHHs” from the crowd.

The move puts both men out, and the ref calls the match a draw as neither can meet the count of 10.

As a match, I have lots of good things to say about this. It was fun, Cena was the good Cena, and they really kept things interesting and moving along the entire way. As an exercise in getting Ryback over, I can’t really call this a huge success. The ending was impressive, and Ryback looked great at the start, but nothing about this match really made Ryback out to be a greater threat to Cena than the people he usually faces, which is a problem. Not all of that is their fault, as they couldn’t have Ryback win here, and Ryback badly needed a big win for credibility after the last few months, but it’s impossible to come away from this without feeling like it should have been a much, much bigger deal. Maybe the next match will capture that feeling better, and maybe not, but I won’t punish the match for the booking.

82 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Cewsh: Here we are. Match number 3 in what might be the most complained about trilogy in the history of the internet, (and I’m including the Star Wars prequels in that.) I went over the backstory at Wrestlemania, so I’ll just add here that Lesnar couldn’t leave well enough alone after his loss to Triple H at Wrestlemania, and both men decided that they needed one more match to settle things once and for all. This time in a cage. Also, Lesnar made a mess in Triple H’s office or something. It’s really not important.

Now, the key to a really great cage match is that someone has to do a great job of selling. It can either be the babyface, who gets destroyed but overcome the odds, or the heel, who finally gets the punishment that the fans have been desperate to see. Naturally, you would expect Triple H do be doing sell duty here, as he has before, but it came as a huge surprise to see Brock Lesnar not just selling here, but doing one of the most masterful jobs of it that I’ve seen anywhere in years.

See, the match starts off with Lesnar throwing Triple H around like a rag doll, and introducing him to Mr. Cagey seven or eight hundred times. Things are going great for him, right up until that moment in every Brock Lesnar match where Lesnar decides that this is so easy, that he’s just going to fuck around for the hell of it. This involves him going for a huge running knee, only to have Triple H duck out of the way, sending Lesnar knee first into the cage. From that point on, you may as well have amputated that leg, because Lesnar wrestles the entire rest of this match without using it. From the brawling that goes on afterwards, to the fun surprises, like a camouflaged Sledgy, Lesnar never wavers.

In the end, Heyman eats a Pedigree to give Lesnar a chance to F-5 Triple H and win both this match and the feud, but the actual story of the match is almost secondary to the fact that a guy who has wrestled exactly 3 matches on television in the 10 years prior to this, came into this cage and put everyone on the roster to shame. The match was a great, and satisfying and lovely, but all I was thinking as Lesnar had his hand raised and the show went off the air was, “Fuck, how many great matches could we have hand over that decade that we missed?”

We’ll never know for sure. But lucky for us, Lesnar busted his ass to give us a taste. And for the second Extreme Rules in a row, he stole the show.

93 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Cewsh: The word on this show around the internet watercooler is that it was a solid show all the way through and then was capped with a great main event. I can certainly agree with the second part, as for the second year in a row, Lesnar blew me away with his performance at Extreme Rules. In the same way that Wrestlemania belongs to Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker, Summerslam belongs to Triple H, Night of Champions belongs to CM Punk, and Survivor Series belongs to your childhood nostalgia, Brock Lesnar has really carved out an identity for himself on this show in the past two years. If, in future years, he only showed up for this one show to fight someone in a cage, you wouldn’t hear any complaints from me.

The undercard was where I differ from others, as I thought huge portions of this show were dull beyond belief, and the Henry/Sheamus match was a flat out abomination. But the main event redeemed some of it, as great main events tend to do. So now we’ll march into the summer months of WWE with trepidation, hoping that this isn’t the last interesting show we’ll get to see until Summerslam.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed getting extreme with us, but now we have to put some ice on various body parts because we’re getting too old for all this extremeness. Next week will take one of our four yearly trips to the land of TNA, to celebrate their 11th anniversary. Wait, scratch that, Slammiversary. What kind of unintentional comedy will they have for us? Only one way to find out. So until next time, remember to keep reading and be good to one another.

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