Note: Over at thejohnreport.net I’ll be recapping every 30 man Royal Rumble match over the past 23 years. The first one from 1988 is up right now.

I didn’t write the last two weeks. Sorry. I had way too much going on. This episode is called: “The Con Game.” Do they really need titles? No.

We start out with a Promofest with Mick Foley coming out first. That’s fine by me. At least they’re using Foley again. He comes out calling out Mr. Anderson to drive home the point about working hurt with concussions. It has credibility because we all know Foley’s crazy bumps (or at least they assume we all know) and it makes sense. If there’s a complaint it’s that they push it too much. Anyway, Foley shares a story about the two of them bonding years ago while visiting injured troops with Miss America. It was kinda funny. Anderson is frustrated that nobody believes he’s okay. Out comes Morgan. He’s his friend too and doesn’t want him risking his career. With that said he’s going to go through him for the title shot. See, the winner of their match at Genesis gets the next title shot…unless the champ is in jail. I added that part. Speaking of the champ, Jeff Hardy comes out to tell them he’s picking their tag partners for later in the night for the tag team main event. This was a decent segment, but it felt long because we’ve heard all this stuff every week for a month now.

Backstage, it was a New Year’s party hosted by Orlando Jordan, dressed like a baby in a diaper, and Eric Young, dressed like Moses. This was fucking awful. Jordan made gay comments that Young doesn’t get because he’s an idiot. And I felt like a bigger idiot for watching it. Sadly there would be many more of these segments on the show.

Robert Roode d. Chris Sabin (**)
A solid 5 minute match that could have been really good with another five minutes added onto it. There really wasn’t any interference from the partners here. It was a straight up match that Roode won with a Spinebuster. I had no problem with it. It adds heat to the rivalry. These teams always have good matches. I’m all for it.

Backstage, RVD was saying he won’t be happy til he gets Jeff Hardy in the ring…so they can smoke up. Or wrestle. Take your pick.

More with Jordan & Young as Stone Cold Shark Boy shows up. He throws in his lame jokes. This reminded me of WCW more than anything TNA does. Jordan got excited when Shark Boy sat on his lap…why am I fucking writing about this? Dear God. Train wreck TV. Moving on.

Here’s RVD. Wants to know who his mystery opponent is.

Rob Van Dam d. Robbie E. (1/2*)
I think the only thing I like about The Shore is Taz marking out for the fist pumping. I don’t watch Jersey Shore or understand why any sane person would. And to have a parody of it in a wrestling company is even worse. But I like Cookie/Becky as a performer. Anyway, RVD won in about 2 minutes with the frog splash in the battle of the Rob’s.

Hardy showed up on the video wall saying RVD would have to beat an opponent of his choosing at Genesis in order to face Hardy…”only if you survive.” Abyss again? I dunno.

Kazarian was shown walking out with a couple of women. Do we really need to see everybody backstage? Apparently.

More backstage as Sarita preps to wrestle Velvet Sky in a strap match.

Kazarian came out with the women, plus his wedding ring (he’s married to Traci Brooks, who I miss in TNA). He talked about Jay Lethal, ripping on him for growing up poor and basically being racist without openly saying anything too bad. It was not a great promo. He’s not somebody that is good on the microphone without somebody to talk to. Bad idea. Jay Lethal comes out, Kazarian nails with some kind of baton that he had folded up and Jay is out. He puts his watch on his chest and then leaves. This was not a great way to add heat to a feud. Pretty lame, really.

Backstage, Foley barged in the office of Flair & Bischoff. He said Anderson & Morgan should know who their partners are so that they can prepare. Right, because we’ve never had surprise partners in wrestling before. Flair & Bischoff told him to leave because they run the show. Foley said he’d get a close look at the match.

Sarita d. Velvet Sky in a Strap Match (1/2*)
It’s a strap match because Sarita beat her with a strap in the locker room last week. One attack with a strap means you should have a 3 minute strap match on TV? I guess so. To show you how serious Velvet Sky was on Impact this week, she didn’t do her ass shaking on the ropes. That is anger! I think the worst part of the show was the fact that Velvet didn’t do her typical entrance. Velvet dragged her around the ring, but as she touched the corners Sarita also did. At the last one, she countered a move by Velvet and Sarita was the one to touch the corners first. Sarita wins. Post match, she attacked Velvet with the strap some more, hitting her in her tramp stamp (small of the back).

More of the party?!?! Oh sweet mother of crap. Brian Kendrick joins in now. That’s nice. Put him in the ring. He’s a good worker.

After the break, Velvet was yelling for Sarita. Then we cut backstage where Angelina attacks Sarita. She ends up getting beat up, though, so Winter makes the save and tosses Sarita aside. I guess this means somebody turning heel out of that Angelina/Velvet/Winter trio because it’s TNA. I’m guessing it’s Velvet at some point. It’s all about the turns in TNA.

They aired a video package highlighting TNA in 2010. Are we allowed to remember the Monday night experiment? I think not.

Hey there’s Jeff Jarrett walking. They love the walking.

Doug Williams was shown in the locker room, needing a partner. Magus (is it still Brutus Magnus or just Magnus?) shows up and says he’ll be his partner because Williams has been there for him before.

It’s time for the Jeff Jarrett MMA challenge. He calls out Amazing Red, who he beat last week, and asks him to bring his little brother out to face him. It ends up being a really tall guy that is a wrestler named Tommy Mercer, who I guess we’re calling Baby Red for now. I’d guess that he’s about 6’5″ or so.

The “match” involved Baby Red countering Jarrett’s anklelock into one of his own, so Jeff cowered in the corner, got out of the ring, went for his guitar and wanted to use it except Red took it away. He broke the guitar on the mat. Jarrett bailed. It was a pretty good segment in terms of getting heat on Jarrett’s challenges. I will admit they are entertaining in that sense. I’m ready for Angle to come back, though.

After the break, Jarrett was chatting with Bischoff about the rules for his challenges saying they need to be his height or smaller and then they need to sign a waiver. This really wasn’t necessary, was it?

AJ Styles & Rob Terry d. Doug Williams & Magnus (**)
I love how the announcers tried to tell us that Terry was unpolished when he was with Williams & Magnus in the past, but he’s better now. No, he’s still terrible and they know he is because he barely did anything in this match. Styles won at the 4 minute mark by hitting Williams’ Rolling Chaos on Magnus. That was a good finish because Williams beat Styles with his Styles Clash at the PPV. I still think they’re turning Styles babyface, which is actually a good move because he should be the face of the company. The problem is you’ve already kicked two people out of fortune (Morgan & Williams) and added another (Terry) in the past three months. The credibility of the group dissipates every time you do that.

More party. Gen Me and Tara showed up. He told them to take their shirts off, so the guys did and he was about to take hers off when everybody started brawling. I’m recapping why? Oh, because Brian Kendrick had a thought…except it was just a fart. Yep. They wasted four segments on this. I don’t know who found this funny.

The Knockout Champ Madison Rayne came out in an elegant black dress, carried to the ring by dudes in suits. She bragged about being a champion of class and mentioned that her dress cost $79,000. I wonder how many people thought the dress actually cost $79,000? I bet it fooled a few people. Madison started to rip on Mickie James calling her a hardcore country slut, so out came Mickie. She grabbed the microphone, told her to shut up and decked her. She ripped her dress off, leaving Madison in her black bra & panties. I really don’t think this means an Evening Gown Match. Try to make it a serious belt, please. That would be good. This did add some heat to the feud, but I think it’s only the beginning. It’ll probably stretch two or three PPVs.

There was a hidden camera type segment with Pope asking for money, but it looked shady. They even mentioned a kennel. No Mike Vick jerseys in sight. I guess he’s turning heel? Sure. It’s TNA. Have to turn somebody every month.

Matt Morgan & Devon d. Ken Anderson & Brother Ray (*1/4)
Jeff Hardy picked those partners. Mick Foley was the guest announcer and said through the years people didn’t like Brother Ray. They seem to say that every week. We get it. Gunner & Murphy showed up to get Foley out of there as an announcer. Foley went peacefully, but then he fought them. He even took out Mr. Socko because the best thing to do in a fight is to reach in your pants, pull out a white sock and soften your blows. Do we really need Mr. Socko in TNA, 11 years after it was relevant in WWE? I love Mick, but that’s just silly even for TNA.

The match was pretty basic with Ray getting cheap shots in on Devon while not really getting hurt by him. I have liked how they’ve done the Team 3D feud because it’s made a lot of sense, they’ve been kept apart (aside from this week) and I think the match has a lot of freshness to it. That’s saying a lot for TNA, huh? The finish came when the match broke down, Morgan went to give Ray a discus clothesline, Ray ducked it and Morgan ended up hitting Anderson in the back of the head. He paused for a second, realizing he hit Anderson in the same spot where Jeff Hardy did when he got the concussion. I’ll give them credit for the creative finish there.

The announcers wondered if the shot was accidental. Sure looked like it. Post match, Anderson was pissed off. Morgan tried to help him, but Anderson didn’t want any part of that. He stormed off angrily.

4 out of 10. Bad show. I think the four might be kind.

Final Thoughts
The focus of the company should be on the World Champion, but is Jeff Hardy even wrestling at the Genesis PPV? I don’t think he is. Are we really supposed to get excited about RVD’s unnamed opponent at the PPV or Morgan vs. Anderson as top feuds? Because they don’t do it for me.

Those segments with Young, Jordan and the rest of them were awful. They were some of the worst segments I’ve ever seen in TNA. Russo sure loves writing the gay jokes. It’s awful television that even a funny performer like Eric Young can’t save.

Maybe we can give them a pass because it’s the holidays. I’m not sure about that. This wasn’t a very good show no matter how you look at it.

Number of backstage segments in this show? 13. Number that you really need in a show? 4 or 5. Think about it.

One question: Where’s Samoa Joe? You re-signed him. Use him.

Thanks for reading.

John Canton – [email protected]
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