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Monday was the first day of school for my almost 4-year-old. He had a sour face on when heading into his new classroom filled with a whopping 18 other kids. I felt guilty leaving him there when he was so down, but he seemed happier when I picked him up, which was a relief.
However, after school we headed to the park and I noticed how his “play” with the other kids had changed. Boys were chasing each other around and playing games where kids were getting “destroyed.” One kid then yelled at my boy, “We will only let you stand here with us if you give us your toy!”
It was hard to believe that preschoolers could be so aggressive and mean toward each other. How did that happen so quickly? Plus, it was tough to see my little boy go from his carefree and happy self after school to suddenly hurt. The kid’s mom got involved right away and told her son he had to be nice to everyone. That was encouraging to hear, but I knew moms or teachers wouldn’t always be around to stop kids from treating each other badly.
With a new year beginning and bullying on the rise, I wondered if there were some things parents could do to encourage compassion and inclusiveness among classmates. I checked in with international bullying expert Donna Clark Love, who said decreasing bullying behavior actually begins with the parents.
“The first step is for parents to monitor their own behaviors and responses when communicating with other family members, friends, neighbors and even Starbucks employees in the drive-thru when they get your order wrong,” she says. “Our kids, whether young or old, mimic our behaviors.”
Love adds, “It is critical to teach kids basic social skills such as saying, ‘Thank you,’ ‘Please,’ ‘I’m sorry’ and even ‘Excuse me,’ — and the earlier the better! Kids learn better when we role-play real-life scenarios and show them how to be kind. We can role-play scenarios of kids sitting alone, not getting picked for a team, etc. and again actually show them how to include others.”
Role-playing is a great idea for parents. I just have to find some time and get my boy to understand or listen to me, which is not always easy for an opinionated 4-year-old!
Mom Apryl Lee says, “My 4-year-old was the one who was excluded, having his toy taken, etc. and it’s so hard. He’s 8 now and learned to stick up and advocate for himself, and I am grateful he did. He gained the confidence to choose who his friends are and not allow himself to be treated in a way that was hurtful to him.”
So, what about helping older kids? Monitoring behavior at home is a good place to start, according to Love.
“Parents need to teach and model kindness and enforce consequences when siblings are cruel to each other. Sibling rivalry is normal. But mean, vindictive and harsh behaviors directed towards each other carries out to the neighborhood, school and general community,” she explains. “Siblings can argue, but they also can learn respect, how to apologize and most importantly how to be accountable for their own behavior. Kindness and inclusion are learned behaviors, and as adults, we are responsible for modeling and teaching these character traits.”
Here is some advice from other moms on helping your child handle tough behavior:
I Don’t Like That
Mom Suzanne Brown says, “I didn’t deal with the inclusiveness part of things, but I taught my boys a phrase: ‘Stop that. I don’t like that!’ I wanted them to feel like they had control in the situation and could take action without being physical. And the phrase was to be said with conviction! It definitely helped them shut down any unwanted behavior. And other kids sometimes used this phrase when they saw it worked for my boys.”
Learn And Grow From Conflict
Apryl Lee says, “Kids have to test those limits with other kids in an environment that allows for that. They have to say mean things, take that toy, exclude that person. But then, let’s learn from it. Learn how to solve the problem, listen to another person, observe how that person feels, etc. But then all that good stuff has to go home with them and be reinforced.”
Control Your Reactions
Mom Dawn Allcott says, “I think at age 4, one of the things we as parents can do is bolster confidence. We cannot control how other people parent or how other people act. We can learn how to control our reactions to them. At that age, as children explore boundaries and learn right from wrong, they also learn ways to react, like standing up for themselves, finding other friends to play with and sometimes if they can’t find a solution, finding an adult to help.”
Allcott adds, “My heart goes out to you and your child! It’s not easy at any age, but you can help break the pattern now.”
And she’s right. Life isn’t always easy on the playground or at Starbucks, but teaching our kids (and ourselves) to treat each other with compassion in this lifetime should be our most important lesson.
The Menace Of Bullies: Patch Advocacy Reporting Project
As part of a national reporting project, Patch has been looking at society’s roles and responsibilities in bullying and a child’s unthinkable decision to end their own life in hopes we might offer solutions that save lives.
Do you have a story to tell? Are you concerned about how your local schools handle bullies and their victims?
Email us at [email protected] and share your views in the comments.
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Selected Stories From The Project: