It’s no secret that most parents look at the world and think we can do better for our children — which might explain why a parenting method called RIE has become so popular. RIE, short for Resources for Infant Educators, gives parents a tool kit to help raise their children with more respect and independence.
I admittedly am someone who can’t follow a rule to save my life (as evidenced by the ticket I just got for making a left turn on a no-left-turn street). Still, I am a little curious about this philosophy and method that many moms continually refer to in online forums and on the playground.
RIE was started by Magda Gerber, an early childhood educator and former orphanage medical director, who passed away in 2007. Today, a woman and educator named Janet Lansbury has been the nonprofit’s current spokesperson and biggest champion today, with a popular blog and podcast.
Kristin Mariella from Respectful Mom practices RIE and explained the method’s three core principles: respect, trust and connection.
Respect: RIE-practicing parents believe children are whole and competent and invite them to participate in the caregiving process. Parents ask themselves how they would want to be treated if they were a baby who couldn’t walk or do much. In that case, they might want to know in advance what was happening to them, which is why parents will communicate with babies while handling them. For example, they might say, “Now I’m picking you up and changing you.” They are authentic and honest and don’t use baby language. RIE parents let their babies be self-directed while listening to their cues and seeing them for who they really are.
Trust: Parents who follow the RIE method trust babies to develop their motor skills naturally. They don’t help babies sit up or roll over, but just provide a nurturing environment for them. They allow babies to play but don’t interfere in their exploration. Also, they don’t tackle their challenges like assisting with puzzles or buttoning shirts. Instead, they show they trust and believe in them. They also trust their children are always good and believe that when they show bad behavior it’s because they are having a hard time and need our help.
Connection: RIE practicing parents are connected to their babies and children on a deep level and acknowledge their emotions. Parents also don’t set limits on their emotions, but do with their behavior. RIE gives you the tools to connect with your child and form a strong bond.
A fellow mom, Liz Bolton, says, “The respect part of (RIE) is so huge. I love Janet Lansbury’s Unruffled podcast. As an approach, I find much of it simply revelatory when compared to so many other modern parenting styles, in relation to communication and play. There are certain things I disagree with — they don’t advocate baby wearing, for example. But it is supremely helpful to be reminded that ‘discipline’ doesn’t have to mean ‘punishment.'”
Another mom Grace Per Lee adds, “Honestly it informs everything I do as a parent, which feels weird to say. It’s also fairly in-tune with how I already felt about children; that they are born brilliant and sentient and that when we are dismissive of them or their feelings, we miss a lot. One thing I do constantly is listen — with my ears but also with my other senses, since children communicate with their bodies and voices as much as (or more than) their actual words. And then I verbalize what I think they’re telling me. ‘Oh, it sounds like you wanted something else for dinner. Is that right?’ In that moment you’re both showing them the respect of caring what they’re trying to say (whether they’re saying it by throwing something on the floor, refusing to eat, or whatever), and giving them the opportunity to correct you. Now you have a better idea of what you’re dealing with, they feel heard, and your next move can be informed by that.”
I like the idea of letting my son be his own person, mainly because it’s less work for me (wink). But it’s also hard to not want to control his moves and fix his problems — I have a hard enough time getting my 3-year-old to put on clothing, let alone button a shirt!
Some of the RIE methods that might also be tough for me is the idea of not letting a child play with actual toys because they are an adult. Plus, RIE doesn’t allow for pacifiers, which was what gave us our sanity until my boy was 3! But according to this Vanity Fair article, Gerber once wrote, “The pacifier is a plug. It does stop a child from crying, but the question is, does an infant have a right to cry?”
Yes, we all have a right to cry. I’m crying just thinking about taking away my toddler’s toys. But I do love the idea of treating kids and even babies with some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and letting them take the lead in their own lives, which can give them more confidence. I also believe our kids and babies know more about what’s right for them than we think.
If you’re interested in learning more about RIE, check out the books “Baby Knows Best, Raising a Confident and Resourceful Child, the RIE Way,” “Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting” and “No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame.”
And if RIE is simply not for you, you may want to check out these parenting rule books and philosophies: Positive Parenting, Mindful Parenting, French Parenting or 1-2-3 Magic. Your other option is to trust your own heart, gut and intuition — just like you trust your babies!
How do you feel about RIE parenting? Let us know in the comments!
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